Going Back On The Coffee

So, I recently gave up the coffee, because my body doesn't know what to do with dairy *or* caffeine, and starting my day with an urgent and explosive bowel movement isn't really my jam.
In spite of that, I was still havin' hella tummy trouble, tho. So last night at the store, I was like, fuck it, and bought some damn coffee. I figured that, maybe if I was more vigilant about taking my meds that are supposed to calm my bile ducts or whatever (or ... actually I think it boosts them, 'cause they don't work right or something?), I'd be all right.
Today: had some coffee and I was OK, but then I wanted a Reese's PB cup, so I knew I'd better take my meds, which I did. Had a RPBC without incident (so far). Except, like, 47 seconds ago, I got a massive fucking headache, and I'm all, WTF? and then I remembered that the trade-off for not shitting my pants is an excruciating headache -- not quite migraine, but def 'I-need-to-go-lie-down'-caliber.
I *know* the joke about the side effects of meds being worse than the ailment they're treating has been done to death, but srsly, yo. Like, why haven't we fixed that? It's like a fucked-up fairy tale. Sure, you can have legs, but every fucking step is gonna feel like walking on knives. You can either go out with your friends and just clench your bootyhole tight and sweat out the waves of nausea, or you can take some meds to prevent shitting yourself, but then you just have to instantly go to bed for the night. Even if it's only like, 2 pm. What the actual fuck.



Addendum: My kids and I were playing "Million Dollars, But..." yesterday, and one of 'em was: "Million dollars, but every time you curse, you grow an extra body part." Well, fuck. So every time I've cursed since then (about 837 times), my kids were like, "Mom! you just grew an extra leg*!" (*or whatever). Just writing this damn post would have caused me to grow like 32 extra body parts. What a nightmare that'd be.

TBT - Just some shit I saw this past week or so.

Because I think I annoy my friends with my constant, 'Lookit this shit I saw!" text messages.

Armchair Detectiving

Fuck you if you don't like my verbifying.

I bit the bullet and backed this on Indiegogo:

3 Mysterious Cases from the Armchair Detective Company from Robert Sabuda & Shelby Arnold on Vimeo.

In Praise of Cunnilingus in Pop Culture.

I feel like I can't watch anything lately without seeing someone going down on a chick (OK, we've been watching OITNB and Jessica Jones, so that might be why). While it's kind of uncomfortable since the boys are watching too, I'm actually really glad it's being portrayed in pop culture like it's NBD.
Thinking back on my own introduction to cunnilingus, I'm... sure? ... it was mentioned in sex ed at elementary school? But then I went to a Catholic High school, so 'sex ed' didn't exist outside of talking to my friends and watching tv/movies and reading Cosmo. By the time I was in my first year of college and met a guy who was really into going down on me, I really only had Chasing Amy and the "oral pleasure" scene from Pulp Fiction to go on.
To be fair, blowjobs weren't really a thing in my world, either, but I feel like they were more prevalent in pop culture than cunnilingus. (Side note: why aren't there easier terms for it than "going down" or "cunnilingus"? Why don't girls get a casual slang nickname for it? I suppose there's "muff diving" and "eating/getting eaten out" but nothing as easy-breezy as "blowjob".*)

Anyway, I'm just glad there's representation of it on the teevee so when/if my boys do get into hetero, sexual relationships, they're not all, "hurr-dee-durr, lemme just get my p in yo v an' then I'm out."


*I was just alerted that "talking to the canoe driver" is another term for carpet munching, which is pretty fucking funny. Although... doesn't the person in the back of the canoe do the steering?? When you speak with *MY* canoe driver, I'd rather you spoke to the bowman, rather than the sternman, if ya get my drift.

Further Reading: Why Is ‘Going Down’ Often a One-Way Street? (Originally Published Sept 13, 2011)

Hail Martha.

Goddess.

Drinks You Should Make For Me B/C I'm Lazy AF

And I'll never be bothered enough to make 'em myself.

Orange Peach Mimosa Slushies:

Recipe: Climbing Grier Mountain

Tropical Wine Slushie:

Recipe: Twinspiration

Strawberry Peach Wine Slushies:

Recipe: Hungry Happens

Frozen Peach Bellini:

Recipe: Damn Delicious

Blackberry Merlot Slushies: 

Recipe: From Calculus to Cupcakes

Watermelon Limoncello Prosecco Slushies:

Recipe: Floating Kitchen

Seems Reasonable.

$195 for some basic black Chucks/Keds. Totally reasonable.

(That said, I actually kind of want a pair.)