So, I'm in a funk. Well, OK, more like a pit of despair. For loads of reasons, which maybe aren't really important, at least for this story. Anyway. Because of my occupation (What in the world did Angela mean by “nun”?), I usually have no urgent business that requires me to leave the house. And the less I leave the house, the less I want to leave the house. You know, law of inertia or something. And then, because I have no reason to leave the house, I have no reason to get dressed (in "real, adult human clothes" - e.g. not sweatpants), and if I'm not getting dressed, I have no reason to do other adult human things like shower or even wash my face. It's a vicious cycle, because then, because I'm unwashed, I "can't" leave the house, and it's probably "too late" in the day to "bother" with a shower.
So I know autumn is a rough time for me--SAD, but also anniversaries of deaths, and my birthday and facing getting older/mortality. Plus, the kids go back to school, which is a relief because then I finally get some time alone, but it's also sad because they're gone all day and I'm like, what do I do now? and that feeds into my hermitation and it gives me time to think about how we didn't do anything/"wasted" the summer, and the kids are getting older and OMG they're going to be off to college soon and all of that.
I've been trying to keep busy with cleaning/organizing the house, but some days I don't have the energy and it's getting more and more difficult for me emotionally. I feel like Sisyphus, trying to push a damn trash boulder up a hill and not getting any support. I know you're supposed to keep your home tidy and organized for YOU, but fuckin' A, man. There's only so many times you can put your able-bodied 15-year-old's daily breakfast smoothie Blender Bottle in the dishwasher before you crack.
Oh, but anyway, so. I'm trying to keep busy & keep the house tidy and stuff like that to keep myself feeling good, but the self-care stuff feels more difficult. Why is that? Maybe because it feels like cleaning the house benefits the household, while coloring my hair only benefits me (so: not worth it)? Or because I'm heavier than ever and I figure why bother with trying to disguise what is just a fatty meat sack? What is my problem?? I've actually been mad at myself lately, in a bad way. Like, upset because why can't I just be a normal person and call and make a dental appointment? Or go return that shirt that didn't fit? To add injury to insult, I actually DID go out the other day, and my foot and back betrayed me. I've never had foot pain so bad. It hurt when I put weight on it, but then hurt when there wasn't weight on it. I could hardly even drive home because my right foot hurt so fucking bad. On top of that, when we couldn't find what we were looking for, and I told Marv that I literally couldn't make it all the way around the store again, the look on her face was one I'd never seen before. She was upset, of course, but she looked at me as if I was betraying her, like she hated me. Just thinking about it now makes me want to cry.
Anyway, IDK. I've put some reminders on my calendar for things like taking my vitamins and non-daily meds, but I struggle with having to put things like, "Take A Shower" on my calendar. No one can see it but me, but I still feel like a Normal Human Adult shouldn't have to put that on a calendar. Putting that on my calendar reminds me that I'm not a Normal Human Adult, so I already feel a sense of failure (and I know that's not fair to me, because I mean, who *is* a Normal Human Adult??), and then double-whammy is when I end up still not-showering even though it's on my calendar. Double Fail.
Why is this so difficult?
No comments:
Post a Comment