Depression and Self-Care and Stuff

So, I'm in a funk. Well, OK, more like a pit of despair. For loads of reasons, which maybe aren't really important, at least for this story. Anyway. Because of my occupation (What in the world did Angela mean by “nun”?), I usually have no urgent business that requires me to leave the house. And the less I leave the house, the less I want to leave the house. You know, law of inertia or something. And then, because I have no reason to leave the house, I have no reason to get dressed (in "real, adult human clothes" - e.g. not sweatpants), and if I'm not getting dressed, I have no reason to do other adult human things like shower or even wash my face. It's a vicious cycle, because then, because I'm unwashed, I "can't" leave the house, and it's probably "too late" in the day to "bother" with a shower.
So I know autumn is a rough time for me--SAD, but also anniversaries of deaths, and my birthday and facing getting older/mortality. Plus, the kids go back to school, which is a relief because then I finally get some time alone, but it's also sad because they're gone all day and I'm like, what do I do now? and that feeds into my hermitation and it gives me time to think about how we didn't do anything/"wasted" the summer, and the kids are getting older and OMG they're going to be off to college soon and all of that.
I've been trying to keep busy with cleaning/organizing the house, but some days I don't have the energy and it's getting more and more difficult for me emotionally. I feel like Sisyphus, trying to push a damn trash boulder up a hill and not getting any support. I know you're supposed to keep your home tidy and organized for YOU, but fuckin' A, man. There's only so many times you can put your able-bodied 15-year-old's daily breakfast smoothie Blender Bottle in the dishwasher before you crack.
Oh, but anyway, so. I'm trying to keep busy & keep the house tidy and stuff like that to keep myself feeling good, but the self-care stuff feels more difficult. Why is that? Maybe because it feels like cleaning the house benefits the household, while coloring my hair only benefits me (so: not worth it)? Or because I'm heavier than ever and I figure why bother with trying to disguise what is just a fatty meat sack? What is my problem?? I've actually been mad at myself lately, in a bad way. Like, upset because why can't I just be a normal person and call and make a dental appointment? Or go return that shirt that didn't fit? To add injury to insult, I actually DID go out the other day, and my foot and back betrayed me. I've never had foot pain so bad. It hurt when I put weight on it, but then hurt when there wasn't weight on it. I could hardly even drive home because my right foot hurt so fucking bad. On top of that, when we couldn't find what we were looking for, and I told Marv that I literally couldn't make it all the way around the store again, the look on her face was one I'd never seen before. She was upset, of course, but she looked at me as if I was betraying her, like she hated me. Just thinking about it now makes me want to cry. 
Anyway, IDK. I've put some reminders on my calendar for things like taking my vitamins and non-daily meds, but I struggle with having to put things like, "Take A Shower" on my calendar. No one can see it but me, but I still feel like a Normal Human Adult shouldn't have to put that on a calendar. Putting that on my calendar reminds me that I'm not a Normal Human Adult, so I already feel a sense of failure (and I know that's not fair to me, because I mean, who *is* a Normal Human Adult??), and then double-whammy is when I end up still not-showering even though it's on my calendar. Double Fail.
Why is this so difficult?

It's New-Computer Time

Ok, so comps only seem to last about 3 years in my household. Which is fine, I guess. Except I made the mistake of getting both me and DJ Struggs new comps within a few weeks of each other a couple years back. He got an Inspiron, which was pretty much shit, right out the box. Remember when Dell did the Studio? (It was sort of a crossover between Inspiron & XPS.) Those were the worrrrrrst. I remember paying extra for a BR player (when that was a thing) and I don't think we ever even used it because the comp was so crap. So, both of us need new comps at the same time. (NOW.)
ANYWAY, so I ordered this fucking XPS. I always use XPS. I've always wanted Alienware, but can't justify the cost. I HATE it. It has the smooth-surface touchpad/mouse buttons combo and I haaaate it. Also, it doesn't have a fucking ethernet port. Apparently, I can buy an adapter, but fuckin' 'ell, I shouldn't have to. UGH. Struggs has pretty much stolen it from me, anyway, tho.
Anyway-anyway, Beardo seems to think he needs an Alienware.

He doesn't game, he hardly even uses his stupid fucking computer. Why does he need a comp with a base price of $1,100? And really, ain't nobody buying that shit with a fucking i5, so you're *really* looking at $1,649.99 (on sale! and hey! free shipping!). GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE WITH THAT SHIT.
I'm like, take this oldass Inspiron and STFU.
He maybe researches purchases online, and maybe looks at photos he took with his stupid-expensive camera. He literally takes THOUSANDS of photos, but then never does anything with them. I'm like, A) Learn to use your camera. You bought a $3,000 5D and then just shoot in Auto? GET THE FUCK OUT. B) Learn to do post work. Clean up your images, you don't have to do full (what's the term? HDR? the photos that are Technicolor-bright?) <------ whatever that is, but I'd be happy to have prints made if there was something for me to have printed. I bought him fucking Photoshop and he never even used it.Why the FUCK would I buy him a $2,000 gaming comp (you know, tax and shit) for it to sit there and do nothing.  FUCK FUCK FUCK.
GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE WITH THAT.

SAD? More like MAD.

Everyone in my house is cranky AF lately. I know we're all pretty prone to seasonal mood swings, so there's that, but also, we've been moving stuff around and people have been travelling and stuff, so there's just a shitton of things out of place and/or unfinished/un-dealt with around here, and IDK about them, but I know that I'm SUPER-AFFECTED by mess/clutter.
It's a slippery slope, though. One person leaves [whatever] out, and then everyone just thinks they can just leave other shit out, making a clutter pile. Or one person doesn't do their daily chores, so the next person complains and then does a shit job, or in the case of the dishes, can't fit all the dishes in one load, so there's dishes left out and then the next person complains about that.
I bought some towels. They arrived in two GIANT boxes. Like, ridiculously large. I don't think I like them, but I wanted the rest of my people to weigh in on them. Do you like the colors (I ordered 'grape' and 'forest' but the 'forest' looked more emerald/jewel toned online, and I don't know if I like the muted, olive-y quality they have IRL), what about the size (they're 'bath sheets' which have always screamed "LUXURY!!!" to me, ever since I was a small Gin and I always wanted some. But now they seem too damn long and out of proportion.), what about the feel (the forest style seems more plush)? I kind of decided I'd return them all and get the forest-style in the grape color, and in a fucking normal-ass size. BUT in the meantime, these fucking giant-ass boxes are in my fucking tiny-ass kitchen. And then what happens? People put empty soda boxes on top. Because they can't break 'em down and put them in the recycling in the house, or take them out-the-fuck-side and put them in the big recycling bins we have. No, we're just constructing a bigass box-city monument or something. What the actual fuck? WE DON'T HAVE ROOM FOR THIS. Marv's room is just a fucking garbage pile. I gave her a pass because she was out of town for a week, and it does take a couple days to get back into the jam but now I'm like, I literally can't see your floor. And it's 98% clothes -- clothes I just washed (I don't want to say 'clean' because now she's just been walking on them for a week). JUST PICK UP YOUR FUCKING CLOTHES.
I had to fucking BRIBE Operation Delta to clean up the fucking yard. And here's the thing: I don't do that. My children do get an allowance, but it's generally not tied to anything. Like, their chores and shit aren't jobs for which they get paid. Chores are because we're all coexisting in this cardboard shack, so don't be a dick and be courteous of your housemates, for the greater good (echo: "The greater good!"). Although, a friend did give me a good idea: if someone drops the ball on their chores, they should have to pay the next day's chore person, which hurts doubly--not only do they lose precious $$, but they literally have to give it to their sibling, which is maybe the worst punishment I can imagine for my children. (They like each other and generally get along, but they're very competitive about financial matters and who owes whom how much.) Oh, but anyway, I'm just SO FUCKING SICK of looking like the shit house on the block, that I resorted to monetary rewards for cleaning that shit up. And oddly enough, Operation Delta, whose face is always plastered to the computer monitorS in his room, took me the fuck up on my offer. Marvellina, who loves money and shiny things above all else (she's a Capricorn) did not. IDK why not; is the Supermoon makin' people act bizarrely? But also, I mean, she has the shitshow that is her room to deal with. Nink is at work, and I know he's going to be crab-the-fuck-y when he gets home (b/c how can you not walk into a garbage house and not be instantly sour??) and I'm just like, can I hire someone to come in ('hire' is a loose term, I don't actually have any money to pay said person) and clean, RIGHT NOW? Or can I burn the house down and just build a new one out of LEGO real quick? Maybe we can just all live in ODelta's giant goalie bag for the time being?
I just wish people (me included) would just put their (emotional/whatever) shit away and also put their (tangible household/personal item/whatever) shit away. I know everyone needs to play hooky or whatever every now and again, but we have to get back up and fight the good fight again.

This post has been brought to you by the words 'fuck', 'shit', and 'whatever'.

On Crowdfunding and Table-Topping

I've been sucked into a Kickstarter rabbit hole. A couple companies I like to support were set to launch Kickstarters and people in my game groups were like, "while we're waiting, there's this other thing I found..." and then once you click through to that cool thing, almost inevitably another cool thing pops up and then you're just down that rabbit hole, y'all.
Some projects were an absolute given--like Nite Team 4, of course. Because, let's face it, I spend a LOT of time alone (even though I know I often complain about not having enough alone time) so video games > table top games. But then, these table top games ('board games' for you olds) crept in. And some of them look AH-MAZING. And because table-topping is back in vogue for the general nerdpublic, there's gameplay videos. I've watched a lot of gameplay videos lately.

The thing is, these games are complicated. Like, Cones of Dunshire complicated. And I have trouble imagining how that would play out with my fam. I hate to tip my hand and reveal quite how nerdy I can be, but for example, Victoriana. I think it looks fun (and maybe a little stressful) but I feel like presenting it to my family would go over like a lead dirigible. "So there's these cards, and these cards, and these cards, and then this die, and this die, and these markers, and those markers, and then these little cubes?" I think my kids would flip the table and walk off. I know it usually takes a round or two to really get into it, and then it doesn't seem all that complicated, but my tabletop skill level is about at Candyland -- and I mean the old school one with just the cards and little gingerbread people and like 5 'special' spaces. For Victoriana, I'd have to make up a little task list crib sheet and check every turn to make sure we were actually doing all the things. Other games I've checked out, I can't even get through the gameplay video because I'm just like, whaaaat? And, these games are kind of expensive, and they take up space that I don't have to spare in my house.
And then there's the fact that the idea of having a family game night is super-appealing to me, and it looks great in my head, but in reality... the last time we tried to play a game, Marv literally got pissed and walked away, mid-Sorry (oh, the irony!!). There's always someone who's not really into it, but we needed another player, or something happens and someone gets distracted or we decide we're hungry, or whatever. I tried to start a game night with friends last summer (and by tried, I mean, I brought it up and my friend was like "YES!" and I texted like, one or two other people about it and didn't hear back and that's fine because really, who wants to organize that anyway?) but it never took off, and it can be tough to play games with people you're not really close to. Or maybe we just play mean games? IDK, I was just thinking about when we play Exploding Kittens with n00bs, and we're all, like, on our best, most passive behaviour because we don't want to make our guests feel bad or discouraged. And then the game sort of sucks because the whole goal is to blow each other up.
Anyway, I'm not really sure where I'm going with this, other than: my interest in board games is renewed, but I lack the funding and space to pursue this interest, plus games are really complicated nowadays. I tried to explain games like Victoriana and Illimat and Thornwatch to El Nate-o and I think he turned into a petrified muppet-mummy creature because it was exhausting just hearing the overview. He was like, "Y THO" and just fell over and desiccated.

THAT'S NOT A THING

This is pretty much an extended vaguebook post.
By the way, did you know there's a whole site other than Facebook that's dedicated to vaguebooking?? THERE IS.
(Also, have you checked this week's Secrets yet? I haven't either, but I thought I'd take a sec to remind us both.)
Anyway, you know when you're just so fed up with a sitch and you're just like, 'Yooooo, That's Not A Thing, I Am OUT, I Just CAN'T WITH THIS.'?
My dear, sweet Marv is the Queen of making not-a-things into OMG THINGS, and I'm like, honey-baby-darling, could you Just Fucking NOT? The other day, she forgot to have me sign a form, so she came in my room in the middle of the night when it was still pitch-black outside (8 am), and I couldn't even hardly open my eyes and I'm all like, I'll just get up and we can go in the kitchen where I can maybe see what I'm doing and have a hard surface to write on and stuff, and she's like, no, it's fine, and tries to turn on my bedside lamp, but apparently has never ever used a lamp before (side note: I love lamp) and turns the turny-onny stem thing the wrong way so she's just unscrewing it and somehow, it still turns on the very second the screwy thing falls off the damn lamp and rolls under my bed, and because she had slept in my bed the night before, I had gotten about 23 seconds of sleep, and this was literally like the worst thing ever. I'm like OMG, if you would have just let me get my damn slugass out of bed, this wouldn't have been the worst thing ever.
Last night, she wanted me to make steak. Even though there's like, a wall of flotsam, jetsam, and detritus in front of the grill (because nothing ever gets actually cleaned, my children just move their junk to another place where I won't see it for a bit and I'll get off their backs about it), and then, as soon as I'm standing in the smoke and steam of a 550° grill, she's like, I need these forms signed by tomorrow. I'm like, it's only 5-fucking-thirty, calm the fuck down, that shit's gonna combust from both the heat of the grill and my fiery rage RN, so if you could just put them on the fucking table, I will deal with them when I'm done sweating my ass off for you. KTHXBYE.
ANYWAY, LONG STORY NOT MADE ANY SHORTER: STOP MAKING 'things' INTO 'THINGS'. You know that thing you're dealing with right now? Yeah, it probably sucks, but you know what, it's not even really a thing. Or, at least, it's not as big of a thing as you're making it into. It could just be a 'whatever'. Take a deep breath, have a nap or a drink or a smoke or a snack, watch some Netflix or something. Or read the fucking news and be grateful that your thing isn't nearly as bad as the actual Things happening out in the world.


Speaking of things happening out in the world, my kids scored an invite to U of I's Black Alumni celebration. (And not the kid you'd think! it was addressed to OperationDelta, not DJStruggs!)

Anyway, I know it's short notice, but maybe we should go? Although, I am a little offended he only got the invite for the 'Day Party'. That implies there's a 'Night Party' where shit is probably LIT AF, but apparently, we didn't qualify for that. Check out that Ciroc Flavors special, tho!!! 

#GinOut #LitAF

In Which I get More Cranky and Temperamental as I Age

This morning, I woke up and my favorite drinking vessel wasn't clean, and I was pretty much like, "welp, I guess I'm just gonna cancel today, then." And then of course, I was thinking about how messed up that is. Like, get over it, yo. There's at least 3 other glasses in the cupboard that you like to use. JUST USE ONE OF THEM. But two are too tall for my one-cup-8-fl-oz of coffee, and the other one... just isn't my cup. It's not my coffee cup, anyway. It's my milk glass, if I ever feel the urge to drink something that was squeezed out of a living cow, like that's a normal thing to do.
I don't have a lot of patience for people who are capable of solving their problems, yet refuse to do so--and as a bonus, they continue to go on and on about how awful this [whatever] is. And I know I'm being That Guy. For crying out loud, these mug things are practically free from ThinkGeek, just order another one! But then I'm like, except they don't stack, and we already don't have enough cupboard space... THAT GUY. So then my solution is, well, I'll just make sure it's in the dishwasher and the dishwasher gets run every night (OMG, it just occurred to me that I could have just taken the mug out of the dishwasher and washed it by hand. Yup, THAT GUY.) Anyway, but the reality of the situation is, for as much as I'm like, 'I'm gonna FlyLady the fuck out this shit! We gon' be sweeping and wiping counters and taking out trash and running the dishwasher every night as part of our before bed routine!' ... we don't actually always hit those goals--which is fine, except then I don't have my stupid mug in the morning. And then, because I made that resolution, I'm mad about my mug AND the fact that we didn't accomplish our (what's the opposite of "lofty"? humble?) goals the night before.
SO. I'm just gonna order a second fucking mug. Here I go. I just have to hit the $75+ mark so I can get free shipping. Because if I don't take advantage of that offer, it's like I was just robbed. Much better to pay an extra $65+ for stuff I wasn't actively seeking out.
My mug, BTW:

Photo courtesy of ThinkGeek, because mine is in the dishwasher, obvs.

In Which I Am Too Dumb to Function

I don't know what the hell is going on, but my memory is just like, gone. I was up at like, 3am on Monday morning, and I was so unsure of what day it was, I was starting to panic. I know it's common to be a little messed up on around federal holidays, but still. I'm also literally forgetting things almost immediately, like my neighbors name (sort of understandable b/c I was all anxiety-awkward panicky) but I'll forget the answer to a question I just asked my kids, which is not like me. I feel flighty and forgetful and unfocused--UNABLE to focus.
My nerdspaper arrived yesterday, FINALLY, and I just couldn't even with it. I just couldn't focus. I did a couple of the puzzles over several hours, but I'm just not into it like I usually am.

Also, the puzzles are REALLY DIFFICULT. Like, I don't even know what they're asking for. And I can't focus, so I'm just like derpy derpy durr durr... just gonna stare blankly at the... something, I don't even know at this point.

This was an easy puzzle. At least, one part of it was. The other part made very little sense, and I can't figure out the last bit at all.

In other news, the pirate thing I ordered for Marv is going over pretty well, after an initial hiccup. The first mailing arrived last Friday and she was NOT into it, and I was ready to light myself on fire.

Mailing #1

She had no interest in the letters or the cipher, and only wanted the key. Fucking kill me.

Luckily, the first mailing had trouble crossing the border or something, so the second mailing came the next day. Oh, also, and I know I could totally insert this bit in the appropriate place (heh) but whatever. When the first mailing came, Struggs was all like, 'oh, yeah Marv, me & OD didn't want to do this, so Mom got it for you,' and I'm like, STFU, Struggs, that's not even what happened, and don't make this seem like a punishment, it's meant to be fun, you asshole. (That's what all led to me putting my head in the oven. I was unusually delicate that day or something.) ANYWAY, the second mailing came, and guess who suddenly wanted to be involved?

If this were an actual publication, I'd subscribe immediately.

That's right, fuckin' Struggs all up in the jam. Considering they spend the majority of their time arguing, this melted my obsidian heart a little bit. 

Which leads me to my final point:

I hate ventriloquists.